Why do bees not know anything?

Right before I sat down to write this, I was walking outside with the boy, and he said, “God, why are there so many bees?” Like, years after these bee questions. So he’s still hating on bees, all these years later. I told him bees are what make the world go around. He was nonplussed. Clearly, I have not done my job as a parent if he’s about to launch into the world with so little knowledge or respect for bees.

It’s wild, the ways you can find out you fucked up in parenting.

Why do I get mixed up sometimes, like with Elvis and Justin Bieber?

Son, that’s a ‘you’ problem. No one else in the entire universe would ever, ever, ever, mix up Elvis and Justin Bieber. At least not until Bieber has a residency in Las Vegas and lets himself go. Still, use your ear holes. That’s why God gave them to you.

When did I realize I was part of this family?

Probably that day you came to me crying because your older sister had told you that you were adopted. And then I told you to look at your sister, then look in the mirror. And you realized you two could pass for twins. I’m guessing that was sometime around age 5 for you, 8 for your mean sister. Yeah, that was really mean. But you learned something about genetics. So, there’s that.

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How big of a lie is it that birthday wishes do come true?

Huge. It’s a huge lie, one that you clearly saw through at an early age. Now I’m wondering what you wished for that didn’t come true and opened your eyes to the birthday-wish industrial complex.

Birthday wishes are basically faith. Like, if you went to church, faith. You wanna’ believe in faith? Wish on a candle. Personally, I enjoy getting an astrology reading, or maybe a psychic up in my business. And I think that is as accurate as a birthday wish on a candle.

You do you.

I’m really sorry you did not get what you wished for on your birthday. I always made big efforts for you and your sister, be it with themes, cakes, activities, presents. But there really isn’t anything anyone can do to salve the disappointment that is one’s birthday. It’s weird. Sorry you found out.

Why can’t we get one of those other pianos?

When you have only one piano, any piano could be an “other.”

And so, my son, the reason we cannot get one of those other pianos is that one piano seems to be one piano too many, since you never practice and your father doesn’t love hearing anyone playing the piano, even if I am trying to re-learn right now, since apparently 14 years of lessons don’t stick if you haven’t played the piano since 1989. And when I do practice, you always say, “Can you do that later?” Which isn’t actually a question, but a statement. And that statement is: I hate the sound of the piano when it is in my house and/or not being played by a professional.

So, no, we don’t need an “other” piano. Now go practice your scales if you want another piano so bad.

UPDATE: I got another piano.

Do you feel like something’s missing?

God, yes.

Why are there hills in the streets?

Son, let me tell you about Manifest Destiny.

Manifest Destiny, coined sometime before 1820, is the idea that the United States is destined—by God, its advocates believed—to expand its dominion and spread democracy and capitalism across the entire North American continent. (Literally just copied and pasted this from here.)

Basically, a shitton of people left the East Coast and some places in the middle, the Middle South, etc., in their wagons and followed the advice of Lewis and Clark (fun fact, those guys were funded #socialism) to see the beautiful West. What happened next was anybody’s guess.

My personal take is that California is a mess. A beautiful mess, but still, mess. People showed up, and there were already people living there doing just fine navigating around the hills, mountains, and deserts, but these new people did not know what the fuck to do. So they started bringing their horses and wagons, and later their cars, creating roads that seem, to me, like a California newbie, insane.

You should note, growing up in Oklahoma and in Texas, where I’d done most of my driving before moving to CA, the roads are pretty straightforward. So much so that it was a fun thing when there was a lil’ hill, and my mom would speed up as we headed towards the top and let it fly over as our stomachs dropped. You could probably do that in LA multiple times a day. We just had it once a year, max.

So that’s why there are roads that may go up and down so often you were inspired to ask about the hills in the road. We can’t know if the indigenous people’s ancestors would have also paved over paradise and put up a parking lot, but we sure as hell did.

Are there bees in Iceland?

Iceland is known as one of the most climate-friendly countries because it relies on geothermal power. Roughly 25-30% of the country’s electricity and over 90% of its space heating come from geothermal sources.

It’s got to be too cold for bees there, right?

Wrong! Some very dedicated beekeepers work to keep those harbingers of the end of the world alive all winter long. Iceland is amazing. I definitely hope you go back to visit as an adult. But I’m worried now that I’ve told you the truth about bees being around, you might skip it. You, my son, do not care for bees. There are more questions about bees coming down the pike. You really, really, really hate bugs, bees included.

Why is Will Ferrell going to prison?

I have mentioned the perils of living in Los Angeles when every trip in the car exposes the children to billboards of lawyers, TV shows, movies, lawyers, Universal Studios, more lawyers, and the occasional enlarged sexually transmitted disease in full color. On the day of this question, my son had seen this image:

I remember the film this question references, because I went to see the 2015 buddy comedy starring Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart. A lighthearted romp with racist undertones where Ferrell looks to Hart for advice on how to do hard time in the clink.

Making this a full-circle weird situation, I remember going to see this when the rest of the family was attending a Passover Seder. Because my mother had recently died, I was not in a place where I wanted to attend a seder, much less with a large family that I’d married into. Instead, I purchased one ticket to “Get Hard” at one of those places where you can order food and drinks and kick back in a Barcalounger. So I didn’t care what I saw, just that I was alone in a dark theater and not eating gefilte fish.

But, sadly, I can’t answer the question even in the context of the movie, because I have no idea what I even watched.

Let’s say, mail fraud.

What does N-K-O-S-T spell?

When driving up Cahuenga Boulevard or the 101, my children were exposed to many interesting sights: The Scientology Center, a delicious Persian ice cream store, strip clubs, and billboards for every TV show being launched, ever. (Thanks for the nightmare fuel, American Horror Story marketing team!) So when this question was lobbed over the headrest, I assumed he had read it on a sign and, being a Gen X woman, wondered if it had anything to do with a New Kids on the Block reunion. I mean, I hoped that I might glimpse that choreographed, white-outfitted magic, even though once I turned punk, I convinced myself to hate those guys. (I don’t hate those guys.) Reader, I never found out. I do not know what N-K-O-S-T spells, and so he didn’t learn a lesson that day.

Just for funsies, I decided to Google it, and the top three AI answers include:

SAP Data: NKOST is the technical name for the “Subsequent Cost Center” field in the CSKS table, often cited as a rarely used or obsolete field in SAP. That sounds awful.

NKOS: The Networked Knowledge Organization Systems (NKOS) initiative, focused on semantic web services. I don’t understand this, so I am deciding it is boring.

Usernames: A username on platforms like Pinterest and Depop.

Since Depop wasn’t active at that time, I’m going to assume it wasn’t Naomi’s Depop store, no matter how rad it is. (It’s rad.)

At age 15, my boy had his eyes checked, and we found out he was farsighted. I’m going to assume it was, as I had assumed, a billboard for a secret show of NKOTB, and I missed out on showing off my interpretive dance of “Step by Step.”

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Why do people go to the ocean if whales go to the bathroom there?

This is where I break my son’s heart and tell him it’s not only whales that go to the bathroom in there. I would guess that he has also gone to the bathroom in the ocean. Maybe he was just looking for permission to let it loose. Be free, my son. Be free.

What’s the dog’s favorite color?

Red

Which Pokémon has more power? Fennec or Jigglypuff?

I feel this is one of those questions he knew the answer to, but wanted to have a Pokémon conversation. Today, he will ask me if I’ve seen certain bands in concert, even after I’ve told him I have or have not. I appreciate his reaching out, and I am happy to engage on a topic of mutual interest, and I am grateful that he even wants to talk to his old mom. I especially love that he asks me about bands he likes and knows were of my time. Neutral Milk Hotel? I don’t think I ever saw them live, unless it was a SXSW showcase I wandered into and didn’t realize what I was seeing. That’s always possible. The Flaming Lips? So many times, I lost count. Keep ‘em coming, Kiddo.

But Pokémon? No, thank you.

I don’t know as much about Pokémon as I do about indie rock, and so I’m guessing I told him I had no idea and forgot about it. I also wonder if he mentioned Fennec to me because that Pokémon, in particular, resembles our dog, Foxy (more questions about Foxy coming up in future posts). Clearly, he was trying to start a conversation. If a friend of his had been in the backseat, this question would not have been directed towards me, the lame-o who doesn’t understand why there is one character named Pokémon, and yet all the characters are “Pokémon.” (I may be wrong about this.) His friend would have answered, and they would have debated the strengths and weaknesses of many Pokémon. Like so many questions from the back seat, I couldn’t even begin the conversation because I had no idea where to start.

And now, like, then, while I do not care about this answer, I do care about engaging with my son. So I googled it.

It’s Fennec.

Fennekin (Fennec): As a Fire-type starter Pokémon, Fennekin has balanced stats and a higher potential to evolve into the much stronger Delphox, which has high special attack capabilities.

Jigglypuff: Known for having very high HP, but it generally suffers from low defense and speed stats, making it relatively frail despite its bulk.

Now we all know, whether we want to or not. You are welcome.

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What is digital?

Well, it’s not analog; I can tell you that much. Digital is like having pieces of sound vs. the one big, smooth sound of analog. And that’s about all I’ve got for you. I’m not a tech girl.

Actually, I do have more.

I know you know this, but I feel I should speak about music and women. There will be more, and there have been previous lectures on this topic, because you are my son and still find yourself in the car with me. As a woman who has been obsessed with music since Xanadu and Hall & Oates, I’ve always held up a middle finger to rocker and indie boys who try to tell me what is what. I may not know exactly what digital is, but I know what great music is.

Even if I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be listening for when comparing vinyl, CDs, or MP3s, and I couldn’t identify a 3-chord progression, I love talking about music with you. Because, unlike your forefathers from the 1990s, you are not a man who requires technical knowledge (and thus takes all the joy out of music, for me) in order to take a woman seriously who loves rock.

My first jobs before leaving home were farm chores and real estate appraisal paperwork. However, I was a farm kid without cable, with only “Friday Night Videos” to keep me informed about the rest of the world. So it was a boon when I was 17 and got a job at a record store in a town 20 minutes away from my farmhouse. I have never taken to a job more enthusiastically than I did when working while listening to music. It was 1989, and I know that you know, 1989 was an amazing year for music. Recently, we discussed the music that was rad as hell when I was 17, that you still love. I’m looking at you, Sonic Youth, The Cure, The Replacements, The Stone Roses, Galaxie 500, and give me that “Say Anything” Soundtrack any day of the week.

I may not fully “get” what analog is from a technical point of view even after reading about it, but I do know there are so many amazing ways to listen to music. Let’s keep talking about it.

What does 150 make?

It makes for a nice amount of cash in your pocket, son. About 4 to 6 albums’ worth, depending.

Approximately 42,000 years ago, I had small children who wouldn’t stop asking me questions. Especially, the boy. That kid still talks a blue streak and keeps questioning me as I struggle to respond. He is a teenager now, and probably has more questions for his friends than his mother. Like, “Are you feeling it yet?” or “How much do you want to bet I can jump over that?”

While I began the Twitter account, “Why Does Our Car Look Taller,” because I was going stark-raving mad driving in Los Angeles traffic as my kindergartener and my 2nd grader pelted me with impossible queries, the relative quiet today as my daughter has left for college and my son has peaced out to hang with friends and be teenager, has left me with so much free time that I can now answer all those questions. And as my youngest prepares to launch, he needs answers more than ever. On the first day of your last year of high school, I’m answering. Here’s some knowledge, son.

Why does our car look taller?

The question that broke my brain and launched the Twitter account was so confounding because a) I don’t know what you see; b) same car, same height; and c) he was growing, not shrinking, so obviously the car should, if anything, appear shorter.

Seemed the perfect question to launch the most infuriating situation in my life at that time: Answering my children’s questions while trying to drive.

It was such a fantastic example of a question from my child that I hated, so I decided I had to do something about it. You see, I’m a triple Virgo perfectionist who loves teaching my kids about all things. I don’t sugarcoat, I give age-appropriate (and sometimes not age-appropriate-ask my son about when I taught him to get condoms at Planned Parenthood when he was 11) information without embarrassment, or flourish. But I also hate driving. So I couldn’t do both. Now, I want to answer all the tough questions.

“Why does our car look taller?” was one of those times I wished my curious son were slightly dumber. Here’s the answer: It doesn’t. You’re just a very unobservant 5-year-old.

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Still, those ‘effers kept asking, and that is how I wound up with over 400 questions I could not answer. As my daughter lives her own fabulous life on the other coast, and my son has way more interesting people to hang out with that are not me, I am up for it.

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